(no subject)

[ladyotterfae]

anahata56
She wrote this. I didn't. Enjoy!

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The Saturday Chronicle--The Holiday Edition
The "Holidays" (insert sound of trumpets and sprays of little gold and silver confetti here) are coming, and thus we enter the most stressful and crotchety and annoyed and bitchy time of the year.

Every year, I mourn this--because it really doesn't have to be that way. There is no need for you to stand weeping over a good turkey gone horribly, horribly wrong as your guests sit in your parlor wondering what that smell is. There is no reason why you have to kill yourselves with "holiday duties"--the shopping and the baking and the office parties where everyone who hates each other in the office gets together to get sloppy drunk and pledge eternal devotion to one another. There is no reason for you to spend one single solitary moment of your holiday season, from just before Thanksgiving to midpoint in the January let-down, twisting yourself up into a balled up knot of frayed nerves and weepiness just because it happens to be a number on a calender, and the television is telling you that Auntie Ethel would love to own this thing you cannot afford and will disown you as her blood kin if you don't get it for her.

I, as generally recognized and coronated-by-my-brother Queen of Everything, am declaring November 15, 2003 to January 15, 2004 HOLIDAY AMNESTY SEASON.



1. You will do no holiday thing, big or small, during this period of time for which you do not have total enthusiasm, and you are hereby relieved of the need to feel guilty about not doing it.

2. You are to have no person enter your abode over the holiday season with whom you are not completely in love, nor shall you darken the door of anyone who makes you feel small or insignificant or unhappy or obligated to them.

3. You are to go to The Mall only if you want to, only if you can stand it, and only if it will not bankrupt you. You are relieved of the necessity to inhabit a place for hours on end where pushy fellow shoppers, cranky children, too much noise and too much hype reside during this period, egging you on to do things that you know you don't want to do and making your back and your feet hurt. You are mandated to shop, if you must, online or at cute little Mom and Pop places that can only hold 10 people comfortably.

4. You are excused from the Office Party if you want to be. Pick up your excuse note from me in the foyer. I will be creative in my reasons, and they will be personalized as to make them both horrific and completely custom made for you. Back up ideas donated for the season by tmi_chix.

5. You are not to feel merry unless you want to. Being told you should be merry is not a good enough reason this year. Anyone caught encouraging any fellow planet-dweller to "cheer up-it's Christmas!" will have their tongue immediately torn out and will be forced to watch "The Bells of St. Mary's" until their brains melt.

6. Cooking is for people who LIKE to cook. You may have KFC for holiday dinner if you like. You may have Twinkies, and you may have Froot Loops. You are not to cook, bake or otherwise prepare any dish that makes you feel intimidated or stressed. One should not approach a turkey as if it were carrying a tactical nuke--if it scares you, run away. Food is something to enjoy and that should sustain life and good health--if it causes you to have a psychotic break, it has defeated its purpose.

7. You are hereby encouraged to take this time of year to teach your children the concept of One Good Thing. You can encourage them in the idea that quality is more important than quantity, and that no, just because the commercials on Saturday morning tell them that they "gotta have it" doesn't mean they do. Or that other kids who tell them that only cool people have 186 Barbies are deeply insecure in their identity and NEED these props to help them cope--your kids are far more stable. And so are you--which means that you will not have angsty guilt moments when you cannot bequeath Junior or Princess with all of their material heart's desires. You can all focus on One Good Thing, and search within that concept for that which is inexpensive, deeply treasured and truly, personally meaningful.

8. You are to take one hour out of every day, whenever you choose it, to do something for YOU. Whatever pleases you, whatever relaxes you, and whatever makes you truly thankful to be alive at Holiday Time. During this hour, you are encouraged to reminisce, to think happy thoughts, to listen to music that makes you feel cheerful, and to do those things which remind you of what this time of year is FOR, in spite of all the stresses surrounding it and in spite of the fact that your take on the whole thing may be slightly left of center.

9. You are to ask for HELP when you need it. You don't have to do everything yourself, nor should you. Spread the opportunity for good karma around a bit, and let good deeds be done for you, as the satisfaction and joy it will give your helpers will warm them all winter.

10. Breathe. Forgive yourself. Love without boundaries. Indulge in little pleasures. Feel rich. Make things with your hands if that makes you happy. Do not one thing that makes you stress. Behave as if no one has any expectations of you, and as if you have no expectations of others. Don't do one thing you hate doing just because it's a holiday.

11. Remember that you are loved--without turkey, without wrapping paper, without Christmas cards, without tinsel, without anything at all but your own sweet self.


All these things are hereby declared and decreed this 15th day of November, of whatever year of whatever calendar has meaning to you, and with all the power invested in me as a human being and a citizen of the Earth and the Universe within which Earth resides.

Go well, be happy and know that you are free.

__________

Comments

[zepgoddess.livejournal.com]

Sounds like good advice to me. I'm looking for an excuse NOT to visit my grandparents this year.

[besosdelangel.livejournal.com]

Amen to the avoidance of grandparents.

Amen!

[ericthemad.livejournal.com]

I do believe that is the best freaking piece of advice/etc that I have ever heard. Thank you for borrowing (sounds much better then stealing) and posting it.

[ladybrie.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you! I think it is wonderful; and I need the freedom this year.

{{{hugs}}}

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Word.

Now if only I'd known about this before the office party. *cringe*